A couple days into what should be the MLB season and I still miss baseball more than ever. Boredom has struck me harder than ever before, so I decided to write this article. It’s a little weird (like me) and requires a cheesy sense of humor (once again, like me), so bear with me.

I figured I would assemble a lineup of grocery store items, the same way I would construct a batting lineup (since I miss baseball so much)…but describe them as players. I know it sounds a little farfetched, but once you start reading, you’ll get where I am coming from. I am the Manager of my shopping cart and I am not making more than one trip to the grocery store these days. Without dragging this on, here’s “Edie’s COVID-19 batting lineup”.

1. Water

The Great Hydrator. Mr. H2O. You are going to need someone to get on base and keep you alive during these times, and who else but to go with Water. One of the most essential players on my lineup, without him, you won’t make it very far. Keep the lineup afloat big W.

2. Toilet Paper

No pun intended, Toilet Paper was an easy choice at “number 2” for my lineup. This is the Mike Trout of essentials. If shit was a fastball, it would not get past this player. A combination of strength and softness, this player can also swipe a lot of bags. One of the hardest essentials to come across these days and people would literally kill to have him in their lineup. Keep rolling at #2 big TP.

3. Meat

Aka Big Steak.  Man this guy is no chicken to any pitch thrown at him. As we start getting closer to the meat of my lineup, you’re going to need someone who can punish the ball. Arguable the best hitter on the team (behind TP of course) and is in the prime of his career, with raw strength. Currently a little lean, but if he adds a couple pounds, you can see his power numbers increase on the scale. Expect him to beat it at the 3 hole.

4. Sanitizer

The Clean Up man himself, and the only switch hitter on the team (hand sanitizer/wipes). I have him playing DH because he doesn’t like getting dirty, but can always count on him to get you a hit in 99.9% of clutch situations. If bases were germs, man this player could easily clear them, which is why every team needs someone like him in their lineup. He’s going to kill it in the clean up spot.

5. Medicine

The second of the “Bash Bros”, Sanitizer and Medicine are a lethal batting duo that go hand in hand. I chose Medicine for the 5 spot because he always stays healthy and hardly misses any games. A lot of pitcher have a hard pill to swallow when giving up a bomb to this small but mighty player. Hitting in the middle of the lineup, expect Medicine to keep any inning alive.

6. Produce

The name speaks for itself. All this player does is produce hits, and all his off-season tee work is starting to bear fruit. I don’t know who came up with the saying “An apple a day, keeps the doctor away” but I am not taking any chances during these times. Produce brings balance to the lineup, and anybody who doesn’t have him in their lineup would be dumb not too. He’ll stay fresh batting 6th.

7. Hygiene

Most hygienic player on the lineup. Best smile, best hair, and always smells good. He is the epitome of an everyday player and you really can’t go a day without him. If you don’t have Hygiene anywhere on your lineup, I am 100% judging you. Everyday essentials is always going to be at 7 for me.

8. Snacks

Mr. Munchies. Always playing with a chip on his shoulder and arguably has the sweetest swing on the team. Can easily be swapped between the 8 and 9 spot depending on how you feel that day. A true underdog and the crowd always goes nuts when this player drives one out the park. This spot is super versatile and can be filled in by endless options. Snacks will keep you full in the 8 hole.

9. Alcohol

The fan favorite. Essentially the second lead off spot. When the weekend hits, he is definitely at the top of my list. Makes so many rounds that you can easily lose track of them. Most fun player in the lineup, great clubhouse guy, and always brings out the best in everyone. I will always keep alcohol stocked at the bottom or top of the lineup.

Everyone’s lineup could look significantly different depending on his or her needs. Just this last weekend my 1-9 was Alcohol and I have no shame in that! Let me know what your lineup would like. It doesn’t have to have a long description like mine (I am clearly an overachiever), but a simple 1-9 works. Stay safe and stay stocked.